


girl ease my mind

by owlvsdove



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, First Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 04:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12999651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlvsdove/pseuds/owlvsdove
Summary: Today she says it out loud. And come what may.





	girl ease my mind

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this before 1.06 so whatever

She knows that the tension she’s feeling is one hundred percent internal, but that doesn’t stop it from changing the way the room looks. The two yellow lamps on her nightstands cast shadows rather than bring light. The reflection off the pool coming in through her glass doors reads as sickly instead of serene. 

Chase doesn’t notice.

That’s sort of the problem, isn’t it? Chase doesn’t notice—nobody does—and it would be so much easier if everyone could just see it, silently agree to never say anything, and never treat her any differently. 

But that’s not the way this works. 

It’s not just tension. It’s a weight. It’s angry arms clamping around her wrists and pulling her hard into the dirt, down into the crust of the earth, only darkness unless she looks up. And even then, it’s a pinprick of hope. Nothing more. 

If her mother knew there was a boy in her room, she’d firmly send him home—then smile knowingly and recite Grandfather’s words about first loves in the eyes of the Church. It might even be comforting, if her mother wasn’t a murderer.

In a perverse way, it’s good that Karolina’s mother is preoccupied with her own business, as gut-wrenchingly awful that unknown must be. It’s the way all of their parents have been lately, and it means it’s easier to host Chase, to keep him away from home. Away from his father. 

Tonight is Karolina’s turn, and she’s been dreading it. Not because of Chase—because she made a deal with herself. 

Today she says it out loud. And come what may. 

It was easy to think  _ come what may  _ three weeks ago. Now she feels sick. 

“Chase?”

Her voice comes out hoarse, though he doesn’t seem to notice. He actually looks up a bit guiltily, and she notices finally that his calc homework is by the wayside while he sketches. Gert had requested a device that could call Old Lace to her in times of need, and as always his inventions have the priority. 

“I promise I’ll finish!” he says. “I just had an idea I had to get out first.” Another thing they’d all been keeping an eye on. Once they knew just how awful it was in his house, they looked for all the big and small ways to make his life easier. Doing their homework together was just another way to keep his father happy. 

“It’s fine,” she mumbles. Clears her throat. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” He sits up, makes a show of clicking his tablet screen off. Looks at her expectantly. 

She hugs her knees tighter. 

“I need to tell you something,” she repeats. “About myself. And I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

He cocks his head, looking concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she says, because he’s asking about the physical—sickness or threat—and technically that’s true. She’s fine. She should be thankful for that. 

“Karolina,” he says. He wraps so much affection around her name that she wants to die. “You can tell me anything about yourself and I’m sure I’ll like it.”

“I’m gay.” It bursts forth from her so fast, overlapping him, that she thinks he might of missed it. “I—I think I—no. No. I know I am.”

She realizes her eyes closed at some point and braces herself before opening them. 

He doesn’t look angry. If anything, he looks sort of curious. He blinks a few times.

“That’s okay. That’s not what I expected you to say, but—that’s  _ great _ ,” he says. “How long have you known?”

It’s her turn to blink. 

“I—um. A few months, I guess.”

“Have you told your parents?”

The idea still turns her belly to hot, sick dread. “No.”

Something in her answer tips him off. “Have you told anyone?”

She shakes her head. 

“Wow.” He blows some air out of his mouth in a sigh as he thinks that over. 

“You’re not—?” Karolina stops herself. She doesn’t want to point it out if it hasn’t occurred to him. 

His eyes cut to her, frozen in his tracks. “Did you think I’d be mad?”

She stutters over a few different answers. Dancing around the fact that he’s very obviously been trying to romance her, between the parental revelations and the superpower discoveries. “I thought...because you like me…”

Horror overtakes his face, colors drained. “Did you think I’d lash out at you? Because of—?”

When he’d finally told them about his father, he’d broken down, utterly terrified that he’d turn out like Victor. That he already had. 

Immediately she scoots forward, taking his face in her hands. “No, Chase,  _ no _ . This has nothing to do with that.” She can feel him not believing her, and she shakes him a bit. “I’d never think that about you.” Her hands drop. “I just thought you’d hate me.”

“ _ Just, _ ” he mutters. “Karolina, please. I don’t hate you. I can’t think of a reason I’d ever hate you, least of all this.”

“Really?”

“Of course. We’ve been friends since we were in diapers.” She stares at him. “So you’re gay. It’s 2017, who isn’t?”

Suddenly, everything rushes out of her. She knows the relief is temporary, that he’s just one person, but it’s heady, and tears well in her eyes. 

“Sorry,” she says automatically, pressing her hand to her face. She doesn’t like other people seeing her this way. 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

She takes a big shuddering breath but it does nothing to quell the sadness. “I’ve just...I’ve been so scared. For so long. I couldn’t even think about it.”

It’s his turn to scoot forward, and he wraps his arms around her so she can hide her face in his shoulder as she cries. 

She doesn’t even cry just about  _ this _ . She cries for herself, and for Chase being hurt every day in silence, and for Nico hiding herself away, and for Molly being left behind, and Alex’s distrust, and Gert’s anger. For all the things they have to put aside to keep a smile on their faces, so no one knows what’s really going on. It’s cruel and awful and they do it to themselves, just for a shred of protection. 

“I’m sorry you’re scared,” he says finally. “But it doesn’t have to be so bad anymore. Maybe not perfect, but...better.”

Her fists wrinkle his shirt. “Thank you.”

“Any time.” And then he continues: “You know Gert is bi, right?”

She pulls back immediately. “What?”

“Yeah.”

The very last thing that she cares about in this moment is the thing that comes out of her mouth. “I don’t think you’re supposed to out people to other people.”

“Oh, shit.” Chase looks panicked. “I wasn’t sure if it was a secret—I know Molly knows, but—”

“Does she—” Karolina licks her lips. “Has she ever dated a girl?”

“Uh, not that I know of. Our conversation about it was pretty short.” He reenacts it for her: “‘Chase, I’m bisexual.’ ‘Cool. When’s the parade?’.”

“So the exact opposite of this conversation.” She rubs her hands over her face. “God, that’s embarrassing.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I assume it’s different for everyone.”

“She’s so cool about everything.”

“To be fair, I guess I don’t know who knows, but I definitely wasn’t the first person she ever told.”

“Still. I wish I could be brave like her.”

Chase purses his lips, thinking. Then: “You should tell her that. Maybe she can help you.”

“She hasn’t been traditionally very fond of me.”

He grins at her. “I think this might change things.”   
  


 

 

 

 

If Gert is surprised by Karolina’s invitation over, she doesn’t show it. Drops her backpack on the ground, flops down on her bed like they’ve been doing this for years. 

“Chase told me you’re bi.”

Gert looks at her for a long moment and then sighs. “Idiot,” she curses him. “Karolina, if I’m here to get some Gib lecture on homosexuality, I swear—”

“No! No. The opposite.”

She does look intrigued by that. 

“I, um. He told me because I told him last night that I think I might—” No. No softening it. No cop outs. “—That I’m gay.”

That seems to stun her. 

“Like— _ gay _ gay?”

The air feels suddenly thin in her bedroom. “Yes.”

“Like, full on lesbian?”

Karolina is unsettled by hearing the word so plainly, but—“Yes.”

Gert blinks at her. “So now you’re both prettier than me  _ and _ gayer than me. Great.”

That’s not the reaction Karolina was expecting. In fact, she’s now realizing what she was expecting was some sort of kiss, and she wants to melt into the floor with embarrassment. 

“That’s...not the point, Gert.”

Gert looks somewhat embarrassed of this. “Right, sorry. Bad habit. Bitterness is a hallmark of bisexuality, you’ll come to recognize it.”

Karolina nods, trying to stay mild. 

“Also, I was joking. There is no gayness competition, if you’re queer you’re queer. Welcome to the club.”

“I feel like I should be writing this down,” Karolina says, just to say something.

“Isn’t that why you came to me? Advice?”

And yes, that’s what Chase suggested. But that isn’t why. Not really.

“I don’t know how to say this, exactly,” Karolina starts. And she realizes she’s gripping her knees, a tight ball of tension, the same as last night. No. This isn’t sad, scared Karolina, part two. 

She’s gonna be brave, like Gert, in the fervent hope that Gert will appreciate it.

In a very particular way. 

God, she’s a mess. 

“I like you, and I—”

Gert sighs again. “Listen, I know I’m hard on you. But we’re still friends, Karolina. Your gayness doesn’t change that.”

She’s not getting it. “No—no, I. I’d like it to.”

And that perfect face lets an eyebrow crawl up. “Oh?” 

“I  _ like  _ you.”

“Oh.”

And for a breathless moment, it’s just an  _ oh _ . Understanding slotting into place with a clumsy thunk, and then silence. 

And then Gert smiles. 

“Do you want to make out?”

Holy shit. “That’s exactly what I want.”

The smile grows. Gert gets on her knees and crawls over to her, not stopping until she’s close enough to steal her breath. She lets it sit for a hungry moment, surely watching Karolina’s eyes as they get distracted by her lips. Because she’s a little cruel like that. 

Karolina wants it. 

All of a sudden she moves forward, and Gert seems a little surprised by it, bringing a hand to her neck to steady herself as Karolina kisses her. 

It’s—it’s unbelievable. Unbelievable that something she was so scared of could feel this good. 

Gert lays her back onto the mattress, hand tangling in her hair to protect her head as she drops. She’s so unprecedented, crouched over her, legs slotting together with hers, so deliberate in her care.

Karolina thinks she knows the answer, but: “Wait, wait. Do you like  _ me _ ?” 

It comes out breathless. If this were a normal moment, it might sound desperate. Gert furrows her brow, hazy. 

“I mean I know you think I’m pretty, but—”

Karolina gets a pinch to her soft side for that and it makes her laugh.

“You really need me to say it?” Gert sounds dubious.

She nods. “I kinda just came out to two people in the space of twenty-four hours. I’m a little vulnerable right now.”

Gert grows serious again, an adorable determination overtaking her face. “Okay, I like that. Communication is key in any relationship.”

That sounds promising.

“Yes, I like you. I’ve tried very hard not to but apparently my will has failed me this time.”

“Lucky for me,” Karolina points out. 

Gert smiles down at her. “Me too.”


End file.
